I was 10 years old when I began to struggle with anxiety. In school I was a perfectionist, and always set myself unrelentingly high standards. I strived to be the best at everything I did. I was a scholar, a gymnast, an athlete, and at the age of 12, already burnt out. In primary school, if I didn’t get a gold star on my Friday test, I would punish myself for days, thinking I was a complete and utter failure, setting the bar even higher for my next goal.
At 13, when I began secondary school, depression possessed my being. I felt completely and totally paralysed. I could not get up for school in the morning; the smallest tasks felt like climbing Everest. I went to the other extreme, I stopped caring about everything. During those years I began to use alcohol and drugs to numb and escape the feelings of hopelessness and despair. After a terrifying bad reaction, and a trip to A&E, I realised this was not the way forward.
Following an attempt to take my own life, I began to attend an adolescent psychiatric clinic. With this, my recovery journey began. My journey has taken me on many paths, with lots of different obstacles to overcome. I have spent years in psychotherapy; I have read countless books and listened to copious podcasts. I have incorporated healthy habits such as sleep hygiene, healthy eating, yoga and meditation. I have taken up running, sea swimming, and I even have an ice bath in my back garden! I have educated myself in Eastern philosophy and Buddhist principles. I have taken courses in Cognitive Behavioural therapy and Acceptance and Commitment therapy. It’s safe to say, I’ve done the work!
Throughout my recovery journey, many life altering events took place. I was diagnosed with a chronic illness called M.E (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome). My Dad died, after a long, three-year battle with cancer. In the weeks following my father’s death, my uncle, my grandmother and a close family friend also passed away. Four months later, my seven-year relationship broke up. It was a traumatising few months, to say the least.
The stress of losing so many loved ones, in such a short space of time, caused my health to deteriorate. I had a manic episode, followed by two and a half years of high anxiety and deep depression. I had ongoing panic attacks and suicidal ideation. I had chronic pain and profound fatigue. I was struggling every day to cope with life. During this time many things helped me through: therapy; medication; Pieta House and connection with friends and family. I did everything I could to fall in love with life again.
For most of my adult life I have felt immense pain and suffering. I have lost those so dear to me, and I have survived. I have known deep sadness, I have overcome crippling fear and heartache, I have been to the depths of despair. I have also known pure joy, happiness and contentment. I have loved so deeply and I have had that love reciprocated. I know what it means to be truly alive, and for that, I am forever grateful.
I now look towards the future with hope and excitement. I have found a deep appreciation for being alive, and I’m determined to share my story to help others on their path towards the light.
