“Writing My Way Out of Darkness”

Writing my way out of darkness

By Dónal Smyth

In my mid twenties I worked as a stores manager in an electrical stores. I had a serious work accident which left me with permanent headaches and lower back pain.

Trying to go through each and every day being in pain is more than hard. There is no escape. And it is not visible. If you have a broken leg, it’s clear to everyone around you what’s wrong. But when it is something that’s not visible, it becomes a lot more difficult to explain what you’re struggling with or why you’re not able to do something.

My family wasn’t always understanding of my pain. I grew up in a family where working hard without complaining or talking about your feelings was the norm. My children, at the time, were still too young to understand why their dad was in bed often.

Not being able to live a ‘normal’ life made me sometimes literally bang my head against the wall. To distract me from the pain I caused a different kind of pain. Not being able to deal with it also caused me to try and take my own life more than once.

Many years later I know now that my pain has a name; Chronic Pain Syndrome. And I also know now that I’ve been struggling with suicidal depression.

With medication, therapy and talking about my feelings I’ve slowly been able to climb out of my darkness. And I’ve learned that, as a man, I am allowed to talk about the way I feel. It’s important. What’s helped me through the years is to put my thoughts on paper and turn it into a poem. Writing poetry helps me gather my thoughts and distract my mind. Paper doesn’t judge. And distraction from being in pain and the darkness in my head helps me a lot.

I also feel I am in a place now where I want to helps others that struggle. After some intense training, I am now a call taker for the Samaritans.

And it’s true, after darkness can come some light. I’ve found love again. My current wife has always encouraged me to, one day, publish my poetry. Last year, my first book of poetry was published. My struggles developed in to some dark poems in this book, questioning life in the ‘dark lane’. Other poems are inspired by the sea, living near a working harbour and finding love again and lighten the mood. Hopefully my poems are relatable and can offer confidence and hope to others with similar life struggles.

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Call Me

Call me if you want, I'm here for you,

there to listen and not to judge.

No certs hang upon my walls,

experience I feel is from the heart.

I have been where you are now,

I sought help, reluctantly.

If you are feeling confused,

now is the time to change it.

I don't know you, nor you me,

yet if you are willing, so am I.

If sense of life doesn't add up,

sit with me and recalculate.

The road is often uneven and rough,

if you can, travel with me,

I can guide, will not walk it for you,

this, my friend, you must do.

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From Life in the Dark Lane

A Collection of Poetry by Dónal Smyth

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