The Way Back

Note: The following article contains themes related to mental illness and suicide that readers may find distressing.

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My name is Colm McEvoy. I’m a 51-year-old man. I’m from Dublin, now living in Co. Meath.

In 2014 my marriage started to go downhill and in 2015 my wife and I separated.  I moved away from home to rented accommodation, and I found myself alone and struggling.  I started to be depressed, but without really knowing what depression was.

As 2015 went on I found it harder to cope and began to feel the whole world was against me.  I was only existing, not living and I felt I was a burden to my family and friends. I felt ashamed and embarrassed that my marriage was gone 

In the autumn of 2015, coming into the winter months, I started to drink at home and I withdrew even more.  By October I felt even more strongly that I was not living, just existing. It was at this time that I started thinking and planning to end my life.  

In December of that year I believed I would not be here by Christmas and so I started preparing by writing letters to my family. I even went as far as to write a note warning that only Gardai and paramedics should enter my home.  

After following through with my plan but coming around and ringing the emergency services, I was brought first to a hospital A&E department and after assessment I was transferred to a mental health facility where I was resident for six weeks.

During my time there I went from a Category 1 level risk at the start down to a Level 3 risk. I was finally designated a ‘no risk’ level.  

While in the psychiatric hospital I decided to fight for my life and start my recovery.  I remember that, when leaving that facility through the double automatic doors, I promised myself to never, ever end back in there. With my recovery journey I started a new chapter in my life, completing several courses and training to better manage my mental health.  

I realise that the actions I took while unwell had a huge effect on my family, causing them great sadness, grief and upset. Their support has been a huge part of my recovery journey. 

I decided that I wanted to help others experiencing mental health challenges and so I become a mental health First Responder, that is a trained individual who provides initial support to someone experiencing mental health issues, before professional help arrives. In this work in the past 11 years I have identified and helped to save two lives, which was a very rewarding experience. My desire to continue this work and support those living with mental illness is the reason why I became a Shine ambassador. I continue to upskill myself and bring the benefit of my own lived experience to my efforts to help others.  

Thank you for taking the time to read my story, I appreciate it and I hope that it inspires anyone experience mental health challenges to reach out, talk to someone and get help.

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If you have been affected by this article and are in crisis, please contact Samaritans on 116123 anytime 24/7. Alternatively, if you are not in crisis but would still like support or information on mental health, call Shine on 01 860 1610 Monday to Friday, 9am-5pm.