Ask for help to help yourself

Hi, my name is Brian and my motivation in writing this is to inspire, and also to spark a flame of hope in someone who has been, or is, in a similar position.   

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Before I continue, I want to say, I am not my story, it’s just something that happened to me. Who I am cannot be put into words, only experienced.  I come from a family of three brothers and my parents separated when I was a young child. This change in my family circumstances deeply affected me.

When I was 21 my older brother died by suicide. I didn’t realise then how much this impacted me as I was already struggling with my mental health.  It did affect me years later. At the of 23/24 I was diagnosed with schizophrenia which again I couldn’t get my head around, as I used to joke as a child about being ‘schizo’ without understanding what it meant.

It was at that time, while unwell, that I assaulted some people and was arrested. I deeply regret causing harm to the people involved. I believed at the time that I was doing the right thing and the experience even felt somewhat spiritual to me, but I know now that I wasn’t in my right mind and for that reason, I have come to feel some compassion for myself around this experience.

I became unwell a second time because I couldn’t accept the diagnosis or having to take the medication prescribed for me. After a time, I decided that I wanted to live my life and would take the medication, as I knew people who were in and out of hospital all their lives as they couldn’t accept taking their medication.

I was put on probation for a year for the assaults.  I went to a daycentre after that, run by mental health services.  I put on 10 stone in weight partly due to the medication but also because of me feeling really bad about myself. I hated being in the daycentre, as, in my experience, it was a parent child dynamic ‘Do as you’re told, take your meds and as long as you’re stable that’s all that matters. So, after about two years or so I decided to give up going.  Instead, I took up a course, and lost the weight gained in the gym as part of that.  Instead, I took up a course and as part of that course I worked out in the gym and managed to lose the weight I had gained. It took me two years, but I knew I could do it.

I eventually came off disability as I didn’t see myself as disabled. I took up work.  I told myself ”there are people out there who are worse off than me and I can work and do all the so-called normal things people can do.” In the years since I’ve been through therapy.  I’ve done so many self-help courses. I took up meditation and yoga. I’m now a trained meditation teacher. I compete in Hyrox and tryka -gym competitions in the pro sections and 800 doubles. I came first in a hyrox simulation training event with the guy saying ‘You’ve got the dog in you’ about my determination, which I laughed at. I had trained in martial arts when I was younger and was very successful.  

I'm well now for the past 16 years, whatever ‘well’ is.  Most of all I want to say, if you’ve been given a diagnosis that feels like a label, don’t let it define you, it’s just a word. The suffering that I went through has humbled me a person and has made my spirit stronger. It’s like being in the gym of life. You cannot grow without the challenges, so embrace them as best you can, and ask for help if you need it to help yourself.  

I wrote this holding back tears as I know how hard it is to struggle but I also know it gets better, so don’t let anyone make you feel like you’re broken because you’re not.  Never give up on yourself, even if, like me, it comes late - better late than never!